major_west: (talky talk)
major_west ([personal profile] major_west) wrote2009-02-06 10:51 am

072

I've considered writing something more eloquent; however, I don't really see the point right now, so I'll simply lay it out: I don't understand how things work here. I don't understand how we are expected to undergo these floods, these ports, and now-- most recently-- this "invasion," and gain anything positive from what is, essentially, torture manipulation. It seems very... Old Testament, an "eye for an eye" sort of affair. At least, this has been my own personal experience here. I've done terrible things to people, and in return, I have to have terrible things done to me in excess in order to... repent? Absolve myself? Become "good enough" to deserve some vague sort of reward? Am I expected to repress everything and smile, move on to the next violation of my very self? I can do it-- I'm no stranger to repression, after all-- but I'm not going to gain anything from it.

I wasn't wrong.

I had an identity that was worth something back home, but I failed to uphold it. I'm nothing here. Just an Inmate. I have nowhere to go-- nowhere I'd want to go, at least-- and I don't want to become a Warden. I utterly detest the Wardens. What reason do I have to graduate?

Well. It's something to think about.

My apologies to anybody whose sleep I've disturbed in the past week. I hope that it won't happen again.

[OOC: EMOOOO ARAGHHH. But yeah, West's nightmares have had him screaming several nights in a row, but thanks to Billy, it's probably going to stop now!]
gimmethemap: (yeah)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 05:09 pm (UTC)(link)
I can't stop unpredictable things from happening, Major. But how to react to it, what you do with it, is your responsibility.

It's said more often the longer I'm around, but shit happens, Henry.

You can't control what happens in port, just guard yourself.

You couldn't stop someone from hurting you when you were vulnerable. That was my job anyway

You couldn't prevent what happened to your men or what happened to you.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 05:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes, I could have! If I couldn't, I wouldn't be here, now would I? Don't lie to me.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 05:16 pm (UTC)(link)
If being especially responsible and the most honorable of leaders meant that every endeavor would be successful, then there wouldn't be so many jaded people still alive in all the worlds. And you would have gotten everyone home safely in the colony.

Sometimes everybody dies.

That doesn't mean a sense of integrity isn't important.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 05:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Fine. Everybody dies. I don't care. Just not him, never again.
gimmethemap: (hold on)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 05:46 pm (UTC)(link)
I have no control over that.

But if this were a normal world, where you had come close to losing someone that special to you forever, what would you do, knowing that right now, you still have them?

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 05:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Try not to drive him away.
gimmethemap: (smile)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 05:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Make every moment count.

I don't think you realize how many second chances this place gives you sometimes. If you'd met him in your own world one of you might already be gone forever.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 05:59 pm (UTC)(link)
But he's going to leave here one day.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
And if he's worth it to you, that shouldn't matter. In your own world that chalks up to the same cowardly idiocy as avoiding him because he might move to another country or die someday.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Or because I couldn't bear the thought of my mother and father knowing.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
It was just another example. I'm no stranger to cowardly idiocy.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Then that's what we should work on.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Your need to put the opinions of others before what will make you happy.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh.

But what makes me happy isn't... right safe I pursue my own happiness just... fine.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)
This place wouldn't be "destroying" you if you were.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:31 pm (UTC)(link)
It's destroying me because it foists other personas onto me, and then I have to have memories that aren't mine following me around. It has nothing to do with any of... that.
Edited 2009-02-07 18:31 (UTC)
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 07:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Getting better, moving forward, finding some contentment here or anywhere else you go is going to take more than people just handing it to you, and it's going to take a lot more than you pretending your problems don't exist.

I feel like you've never been completely open to talking about them. Not to me, anyway.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I never said I wanted anything handed to me. I've worked hard my entire life, and I've never expected a handout.

About... what?
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
That's not what I meant.

Your problems. The things that keep you up. Y'know your profile only gives me so much, and they didn't pick me merely to anticipate you.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, you keep on repeating it.

There isn't much to talk about. That's why. I mean-- I've said enough about them.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Can you tell my why you didn't want your parents to know about your relationships?

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:27 pm (UTC)(link)
If you enjoyed the... company of other women, would you have told yours?
gimmethemap: (y'got me there)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
That's a really good question.

My father didn't care to hear about my enjoying the company of men, to be honest. But that's because he's my father. I'm always going to be his little girl when it comes to stuff like that.

And pirates don't go off and get married or have 'relationships' all that often. Those things end pretty quickly, so it's not really the same.

I honestly don't think he'd have been surprised if I turned around and started chasing after women. I wasn't raised around any and had a habit of taking after everyone else on the ship.

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