major_west: (talky talk)
major_west ([personal profile] major_west) wrote2009-02-06 10:51 am

072

I've considered writing something more eloquent; however, I don't really see the point right now, so I'll simply lay it out: I don't understand how things work here. I don't understand how we are expected to undergo these floods, these ports, and now-- most recently-- this "invasion," and gain anything positive from what is, essentially, torture manipulation. It seems very... Old Testament, an "eye for an eye" sort of affair. At least, this has been my own personal experience here. I've done terrible things to people, and in return, I have to have terrible things done to me in excess in order to... repent? Absolve myself? Become "good enough" to deserve some vague sort of reward? Am I expected to repress everything and smile, move on to the next violation of my very self? I can do it-- I'm no stranger to repression, after all-- but I'm not going to gain anything from it.

I wasn't wrong.

I had an identity that was worth something back home, but I failed to uphold it. I'm nothing here. Just an Inmate. I have nowhere to go-- nowhere I'd want to go, at least-- and I don't want to become a Warden. I utterly detest the Wardens. What reason do I have to graduate?

Well. It's something to think about.

My apologies to anybody whose sleep I've disturbed in the past week. I hope that it won't happen again.

[OOC: EMOOOO ARAGHHH. But yeah, West's nightmares have had him screaming several nights in a row, but thanks to Billy, it's probably going to stop now!]
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Your need to put the opinions of others before what will make you happy.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh.

But what makes me happy isn't... right safe I pursue my own happiness just... fine.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 06:18 pm (UTC)(link)
This place wouldn't be "destroying" you if you were.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 06:31 pm (UTC)(link)
It's destroying me because it foists other personas onto me, and then I have to have memories that aren't mine following me around. It has nothing to do with any of... that.
Edited 2009-02-07 18:31 (UTC)
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 07:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Getting better, moving forward, finding some contentment here or anywhere else you go is going to take more than people just handing it to you, and it's going to take a lot more than you pretending your problems don't exist.

I feel like you've never been completely open to talking about them. Not to me, anyway.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I never said I wanted anything handed to me. I've worked hard my entire life, and I've never expected a handout.

About... what?
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
That's not what I meant.

Your problems. The things that keep you up. Y'know your profile only gives me so much, and they didn't pick me merely to anticipate you.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, you keep on repeating it.

There isn't much to talk about. That's why. I mean-- I've said enough about them.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Can you tell my why you didn't want your parents to know about your relationships?

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:27 pm (UTC)(link)
If you enjoyed the... company of other women, would you have told yours?
gimmethemap: (y'got me there)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
That's a really good question.

My father didn't care to hear about my enjoying the company of men, to be honest. But that's because he's my father. I'm always going to be his little girl when it comes to stuff like that.

And pirates don't go off and get married or have 'relationships' all that often. Those things end pretty quickly, so it's not really the same.

I honestly don't think he'd have been surprised if I turned around and started chasing after women. I wasn't raised around any and had a habit of taking after everyone else on the ship.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
You're lucky, in that regard. I'd probably be disowned.

My mum wanted me to marry a proper woman, give her a few grandchildren, all of that. She was always on about it when I visited. I didn't want to disappoint her.

And my dad... He was a very difficult man. That's all.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:41 pm (UTC)(link)
I see.

So it was a matter of either doing what would make you happy or making the people you love happy.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
No, it wasn't just that. I'd probably be cut off from my family, called all sorts of names, and then if it had gotten out to the workplace, I'd have been discharged.
gimmethemap: (yeah)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
I have no idea what that must have been like, and that's the truth. Have your feelings on the matter changed at all since you've come here?

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 09:48 pm (UTC)(link)
I came out, sort of, I suppose, but... No, not really.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 10:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Is that something you want to change?

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 10:31 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't want to be seen as weak or girly vulnerable.
gimmethemap: (Default)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 11:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Then don't act like it's something that makes you weak or vulnerable.

I mean, seriously, who the Hell cares what other people think? You're not weak.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 11:10 pm (UTC)(link)
You admitted yourself that you have no idea what it was like, so don't tell me to pretend it's as simple as having a big party with rainbow streamers.
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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-07 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I'll never know what it is like to be afraid of another person's opinion of something like that, or to work in a place where I would have to keep secrets just to stay there. It's not about throwing a party or making a big dramatic thing about how much you don't care.

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[identity profile] major-west.livejournal.com 2009-02-07 11:37 pm (UTC)(link)
You don't understand. It's about respect, about keeping face, and it's not even that I'm afraid of teasing-- it's not as simple as that. People just treat you differently.
gimmethemap: (I'm listening)

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[personal profile] gimmethemap 2009-02-08 12:18 am (UTC)(link)
Just whose respect are you trying to earn?

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